March 2010

Trying to keep resolutions

Posted on March 6, 2010 at 10:33 pm in

“Here are my fees, Ms Rosita. It’s for Saturday classes only. I’m not doing the Monday classes for a couple of months.”
“What?! Why?! Is it because of…”
“No, please be assured it’s not.”

The hardest thing I did was to bring Ms Rosita into confidence. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust her, I think I didn’t trust myself to open up to her, but end result was some great insight and advice. This in turn has allowed me to mellow out and stop partaking in what I now privately refer to as Clusterf@#k to the Dance Company. Plus, I’m going home in two and a half weeks, and I don’t want to be neither here nor there with classes and fees, so I weighed up my choices and this was the best one. I’ll still be paying for three Saturday classes that I won’t be attending, but Ms Rosita is the kind of teacher who would insist on a private lesson to make up for it. Right now, I’d much rather work on syllabus than open repertoire.

Although I think I disappointed Ms Rosita further when I said I had no intention of partaking in the upcoming workshops by a visiting professional. My reasons, once again, can always be financial, but I know deep down there might be a 20 per cent in there that I don’t want to do it because of abovementioned Clusterf@#k.

Whatever it is, I do feel quite satisfied with my decisions at the moment. I have vacation time to look forward to and free time to myself.

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Is it March already?

Posted on March 3, 2010 at 10:06 pm in

I had promised myself to write a little more often. At least try to chronicle some of what has been happening, considering I’ve stopped keeping a written journal for many, many years. The idea to restart is tempting, but I know with my penchant for laziness when it comes to writing, it would end as soon as I began.

Have things improved? I don’t know. On some fronts, I have gotten clarity. On others, still murky, still painful as ever. The latter relates to family. I don’t know what else to do now. The result of all this animosity is causing further friction with others, and they are not blind to the reason why we are sniping at each other. The situation is toxic. I have heard the same advice from friends and my psychologist (HA, PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF). I don’t have the means to act on their advice. If I did, I’d have been out of here within days. Maybe I should start buying lottery tickets. Just saying.

Clarity – learning that some people are just not worth the time or effort. I know I am a dark, difficult character to deal with. Don’t I know it. Do I want to be? Not all the time. I try to be happy. But I think it also takes two to be toxic. I did my best to be mature and confronted the situation, albeit deep down knowing it was too late. Did I expect to be emotionally blackmailed? No. Luckily I grew up with a mother who is a pro at this, and as this did not involve my mother, it was a lot easier to simply deal, reflect and act once a decision was made.

Clarity – learning who your real friends are. They bugger the drama and move on, and that pushes me to move with them. It may sound like following the crowd, but perhaps that is what I need so that I wouldn’t look back. I’ve harped on many, many things, and while there are a couple of things I have still not let go of, others I can say for sure, I am at peace with.

My goals for 2010 are simple. I’m not interested in Drama Minggu Ini or The Bold and the Beautiful. I just want to find my center again. Whatever happens, whether it be work, family, friends or life itself, I want to learn to accept what is now and not worry about what could/might happen. Because that would give rise to hope, and hope in a dire situation helps no one. I have accepted some situations and that they will not change, I will just try to carry on living my life and trying to be happy.

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