May 2009

Autopilot disconnected

Posted on May 31, 2009 at 2:29 am in

Wandering around Ikea felt like another breath of fresh air. No doubt next week I’ll be back to my normal Saturday, but again, it was just something different. I had been putting off the second CD tower for months, so it was as good a time as any since it coincided with the massive cleanout. I even got some drawer organizers which is awesome.

Flamenco in the afternoon was a bit of a downer. I got reprimanded for answering back to a derogatory comment a classmate made last week. The only thing recalled was, obviously, my biting retort. The classmate’s comment was, when asked to demonstrate something that involved lifting the skirt high, that she’d see my underwear. I said, very calmly, that it’s obvious I wear stockings and leotards, and she went on about my not wearing any underwear. What are we, 12?

It made me stop and wonder whether I should carry on with this class or go one grade back. At least I won’t have to put up with such comments and constantly being pushed to the front just because some think I know the work, when, just like them, I’m still learning.

Then again, wherever you go, there’s bound to be a douchebag or two present. I know I also need to understand some don’t see dressing appropriately for dance as a necessity, whereas I’ve had it hammered into my brain since forever.

Quitting isn’t an option. I’ve had that ‘off’ feeling for a while, of course, but I’ve invested far too much time and money to quit just because of someone who spends most of the class whining along the lines of, “I can’t do it,” “I hate this exercise”, “It’s too hard,” and “Castanets are very easy to master.”

No, seriously, the last one. My jaw fell to the floor, and thankfully I was still smarting from the reprimand so my mouth’s autopilot was on disconnect. Holy jeebus. Castanets are very easy to master?! Tell that to Madame Principal, a castanets virtuoso, why don’t you. Bet you her reply’s going to sting more than anything I could ever come up with.

Whatever. I’ve got to keep going, regardless.

‘Starting over’

Posted on May 29, 2009 at 11:22 pm in

Another annual-ish cleanup. Sort of. The last time I did a thorough clearing was probably a few years ago.

This time, not only do I really need to make space, I thought it would be a good time to get rid of even more stuff, make a somewhat fresh start. God knows that right now, I need to have the feeling of starting over.

Sitting here now, desk and shelves arranged in order with room to spare, the floor clear of rubbish, my mind feels a little clearer as well. This time, I got rid of absolutely anything I wouldn’t even take a second glance at – the last item from high school was a yearbook. That was the first to go. I’ve never ever looked at it, and hell, if I’m so inclined to kpc I can just borrow Marie’s. It’s insane that just yesterday I found letters Marie wrote to me in 2000. Today, she found letters I wrote to her back then. Confirm bff lah, beb. ;)

I’ve even managed to clear a section of my closet just for flamenco gear. Believe me, the stuff has built up over the last two and a half years. Having space for all the paraphernalia that come with flamenco is fabulous. No more digging through one overflowing drawer after another.

Music kept me company as I sat surrounded by chaos. Quite a few times, WinAmp would shuffle to Mary Poppins Original London Cast songs. That really made me miss London, for some strange reason.

I hope that tonight, I’ll sleep with a clear mind.

Loyalty is this

Posted on May 28, 2009 at 8:50 pm in

I love my boys. I was so proud of every single one of them on that pitch this morning. No matter that we were outrun, outperformed and outclassed by the better team. The anguish on Rooney’s face opened the floodgates further. The veterans Giggsy and Scholes. You’ve seen disappointment before, but I still hate seeing that look on you.

T-Boy said, I cannot depend on external events to ride me out of my sadness. But you know, one of the things that does make me smile, is Manchester United. Sir Gaffer. Sir Matt. Sir Bobby. Duncan Edwards. Alex Stepney. Peter Schmeichel. The King. Manchester. The inspiration that is the Theatre of Dreams. The history. The legacy. I can’t recall a time when I didn’t scream my lungs out for Manchester United.

People laughed today. It’s only a game, they said. One of my best friends says that, but I know her, and she knows me, and she knows when to back off. When I hear that from others, I think, you know nothing. They compare it to the non-football teams they support, who suffer defeat almost every other week. Well, sorry, we’re not quite a team who tend to take being defeated every other week lying down. I bet you even Southend United FC don’t do that.

I didn’t say anything. I just sat at my desk, sniffling quietly again, saying little. Why should I? Yes, I know external events shouldn’t dictate my happiness, but I guess I was searching for something to carry me through the next few days. Maybe this is it – not the most ideal, but I’m learning again, ever so slowly, to believe.

Haz told me to go ahead and love my damn football today.

I do. Every day. Fiercely.

Getting by

Posted on May 21, 2009 at 8:09 pm in

A message sent to my inbox at 4.40am introduced my day into the tailspin that it was. Perhaps Carina is right – it would be better when this finally ends, and I can slowly heal, be somewhat happy again. I know I am not a naturally happy person, I guess I find happiness in rather strange things.

I have had so many unhappy days, I don’t seem to know anything anymore. Today, I sat at my desk, sniffling quietly. At that message. At the Excel spreadsheet on the other half of the screen. At the page full of numbers on my notebook. I refused to let the tears fall. So I sniffled. I didn’t have time to cry.

Yesterday, I counted. I counted the days and the speed in which everything fell apart. Divided.

A few weeks ago, an employee I knew by name but until that day, not by face, shared the lift into work that morning. We said hello, but I was lost in my waking nightmare. In the afternoon, when I ran into him again, Mark asked, no, he begged me to smile. He hated seeing me so sad. It was Friday, I should be smiling, he said. I forced a polite grin, saying I was tired.

What could he have done had I told him the truth? That I couldn’t understand what was happening right before my eyes. That I regretted saying those unnecessarily cruel words not long ago. That I wish things did not turn out this way. That everything was seeming to crumble in such a short span of time.

How bloody awkward would that be to spill your guts to a passing fellow employee?

Today, in the midst of the chaos, Mark called with a HR query. I answered his question, then he said he hoped I was smiling today. He couldn’t see me, but I still forced that grin, saying I’m taking each day as it comes.

Except I’m not taking each day very well. For every positive step I make on one, I end up making three giant steps back the next. I’m working so hard to get past this – when I’m not dancing I spend my evenings writing into a notebook – a notebook now scribbled with the same rhetoric on every page. I’m still struggling to understand why this happened, hell, I’m still struggling to gather any semblance of order to my thoughts. Half a notebook later and I’m still no closer to any sort of resolution.

I guess I want to go back to the days when I felt like I was walking on air. These days it feels like I’m walking barefoot on broken glass.

Draw with Arsenal, win trophy

Posted on May 18, 2009 at 6:55 pm in

HEE!! Premier League champions for the 11th time!! After watching the replay (minus nervous beating heart) I went to bed ridiculously late, which wasn’t a good idea since I was heading to Gina’s house for flamenco practice at 7am. Gina’s in Grade 5 which is great because she helps clarify a lot of the Grade 3 syllabus I’m working through now. She’s also from Lancashire, but her husband is a Blackburn Rovers fan. The brain of this Manchester United fan does not comprehend.

Gina: Alan, this is Bella. She’s the girl I told you about.
Alan: Which one?
Gina: The Manchester United fan.
Alan: Good lord… the one that cried when she visited Old Trafford?
Me: Uh, hi?
Alan: Next time you come over you’ll be served coffee in a Rovers cup.

He commented on the game against Arsenal, which I agreed was rather lacklustre on United’s part until very late in the second half. We both did notice that Arsenal were playing the exact formation United played in when they kicked Arsenal out of the Champions League semifinal (2nd leg). Goes to show Arsene Wenger can still learn a few tricks from Sir Gaffer.

There is only one plea for the off-season: please keep Carlos Tevez. IF TEVEZ DOESN’T STAY I’M GOING TO SPEND THE ENTIRE NEXT SEASON ABUSING BERBATOV. DON’T ASK ME WHY, I JUST LIKE ABUSING BERBATOV.

Pa + Bag = Whut

Posted on May 17, 2009 at 8:53 pm in

Sometimes Papa means well, but he just comes across as trying too hard, resulting in either epic fail or epic whut.

These days when he returns from (thankfully few) business trips abroad, we expect to get food that customs didn’t confiscate. He’s busy, so it’s understandable when he doesn’t bring back too many interesting things – besides, I think we have enough table runners than we know what to do with.

His weeklong trip to Hanoi, Vietnam, was filled with much lulz. Flying off in the middle of the swine flu meant that I’d get sms-ed along the lines of, “Just landed. Guy next to me sneezed. I think he gave me swine flu.” To which I reply with, “Can I have your GPS navigator?”

On his return last night, I totally did not expect him to buy me a handbag.

No, seriously. My father bought me a handbag. Okay, it’s not designer and if he ever found out exactly how much my Balenciaga cost I may actually be disowned.

Anyway, the bag, purchased from a little shop near his hotel in Hanoi:

Bag from Hanoi

My brain’s first reaction was, uh, whut? Because a) Papa bought me a handbag b) Papa ventured into a store to purchase a handbag. It took a while to warm to the shape and look of it – and it’s a well-made bag too. I think I may have been eyeing something like it at the Sunday flea market at Amcorp Mall during my vacation home, and the lady was asking for RM$100 for it.

Papa paid USD$20 for it. Which had me going, okay, at least it’s cheaper than what the lady at Amcorp Mall was offering, but still, USD$20? Secondly, I can’t believe he paid USD$20 for an item in Vietnam. If it were me I’d be bargaining like there was no tomorrow. In Bangkok I was having a go at stall owners who offered bags for THB$200! That’s only about RM$20 or AUD$8, yet in my head it felt like highway robbery.

The only way to think about this is that he tried, and it is quite a nice, functional bag. Good thing I arranged my face to one of gratitude when presented with the bag, because I felt my facial muscles going to the OMGWTF face on autopilot.

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